Women Fake Orgasm, Men Fake Intimacy

We’ve all heard about faking orgasm. Forty-eight percent of American women do it, says a 2004 ABC News poll and Slate magazine’s 2000 orgasm survey raises that to 72 percent. But what about faking sexual closeness and intimacy? This has never been surveyed, but it’s a complaint I hear from countless women who come to therapy to talk about disappointment with their boyfriends and husbands. Faking intimacy can creep toxically into all aspects of our relationships to undermine openhearted honesty and sharing—which are primary qualities that make sex (and everything else) meaningful.

 Why do men fake it? Well, for many of the same reasons women fake orgasm. Men fake intimacy to please their partners. Men fake intimacy because they’re afraid to feel the full range of pleasure. Some men fake it in an attempt to spice up the kind of Johnny-one-note sex that never goes beyond once-a-week intercourse. Some fake it because they can’t access their own feelings so they mimic tough-guy images they see on TV.

 Many men admit they fake intimacy because they don’t feel the same lust that pulsed through every pore when they first fell madly in love—and they want to make themselves believe they’re still that youthful and lusty. Some fake it in an earnest effort to feel more, to quicken those pulses, to make things good again—to “fake it till we make it,” as the saying goes. And some fake it because they’re so hungry for emotional closeness they can’t see beyond the fear that they’ll never get it. One client confided, “I’ve faked my way through my whole life because I was scared if I told the truth they’d just laugh at me, then I’d die of shame.”

 Faking can get us over some rough spots—but over the long term it undermines our capacity for spontaneity and innovation. When we keep repeating the same script, we miss what’s happening in the present. There’s an R2-D2 quality to faking intimacy—as if the capacity for pleasure has been replaced by a computer chip that cries out “Oh God!” at specified intervals. Our internal data banks may briefly flare, but we don’t feel really moved or satisfied. We don’t feel authentic. And guess what—women notice this, and most of them complain about it. 

About the Author

Gina Ogden

http://www.ginaogden.com

Over thirty years as a family therapist, sex therapist, teacher, speaker, researcher, poet, editor, and author have prepared Gina Ogden to become America's premiere voice for women, sex, and spirit.